This might be one of the most raw and honest posts I’ve ever written.
The reason being is that I can typically put a “spiritual” spin on my writing, and write about difficult topics without making myself look bad. But, for what I want to talk about today, I am not afraid of being totally and completely vulnerable because I believe this topic affects a lot of people.
I was driving to the store the other night with my mom, and I said, “I’m tired”, she said something alone the lines of going to bed early, and I said, “No, I’m tired. Worn out. Weary” Then the tears started falling as I listed all of the balls that I’m trying to juggle…
– 18 Credit Hours
– RA and the daily duties and responsibilities
– Senior Class President
– Planning a Gala
– Planning a Pro-Life Week
– Planning the Senior Class Gift
– Keeping up with texts/emails/phone calls
– Working a job while being on break
– Trying to keep up with friends
– Training for a half marathon
– Applying for jobs/internships
….and on and on the list goes!
I feel like I can’t let anything go, because I’ve committed myself to so much.
Truth be told, I hate being harassed and hassled by life’s demands, but I love being in demand. I enjoy having every minute crammed with activity.
…but I am running on empty.
You see, I have subconsciously allowed myself to believe that my activity and accomplishments determine my identity. When I’m busy, I feel important. People praise me for my accomplishments, and how much I have achieved, and I enjoy their praises.
– RA…I enjoy being looked up to by 55 girls.
– Senior Class President…I love getting to attend meetings with the Chancellor and head administration of the school.
– Planning large scale events…Receiving the credit for the success of an event makes my head swell even larger.
My heart stung as I typed each one of the words above, because it is hard to admit.
It is hard to allow the world in and show that I do not, in fact, have everything together, as much as I would like to have people believe.
I struggle with pride.
I struggle with accepting God’s grace, and not feeling like I have to earn it.
I struggle finding my identity solely in Christ.
How’s that for honesty?!
Today, I determined to get some solitude, no matter what it took. So, I grabbed my Bible and a notebook and set off. I ended up at a local park by a lake for some time alone.
I decided to sit in silence for awhile. After what seemed like an eternity, I checked my watch.
10 minutes had passed.
“This is madness” I thought, as I went back to sitting in silence.
I am so used to being constantly connected, that I literally didn’t know how to be still.
Teach me how to be still. Teach me how to abide. Teach me how to live a quiet and peaceful life. Teach me how to enjoy. Teach me to slow down. Teach me to wait upon You.
My heart began to pray…and as I prayed, I heard my Father say,
Dear One, I love you. Fix your eyes upon Me and rest in my finished work upon the Cross. I can never love you anymore than I do now. You cannot earn my love. Slow down. The most important thing you will ever do is spend time with Me. Seek My face. I promise to fill the hungry with good things, namely, Myself.
Beloved, I am sharing these things with you because I know that I can’t be the only one that struggles with business and restlessness of the soul. In this distracting society of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, iPhones, Emails, etc. We can be constantly connected, but our souls long for so much more than a retweet or a “like” on Facebook.
Can I get an amen?!
As I continue on my journey toward learning how to be still and practice solitude. I invite you to join me! I don’t have it all together (this post should be enough to show you that!) But I strongly desire Christ about all else, and I am resolved and committed to seeking Him. Even though I fail. Even though I get distracted. Even though I don’t always know what to do.
I know whose I am…God’s child!
I leave you with this quote by Charles Spurgeon and a song!
“There are times when solitude is better than society, and silence is wiser than speech. We should be better Christians if we were more alone, waiting upon God, and gathering through meditation on His Word spiritual strength for labour in his service. We ought to muse upon the things of God, because we thus get the real nutriment out of them. . . . Why is it that some Christians, although they hear many sermons, make but slow advances in the divine life? Because they neglect their closets, and do not thoughtfully meditate on God’s Word. They love the wheat, but they do not grind it; they would have the corn, but they will not go forth into the fields to gather it; the fruit hangs upon the tree, but they will not pluck it; the water flows at their feet, but they will not stoop to drink it. From such folly deliver us, O Lord…”