This week, millions of Americans will gather around the table, fill their bellies with way too much turkey and pie, then settle into an afternoon of enjoying one anther’s company, watching football and sneaking in a nap. I’ll be headed home to North Carolina the tomorrow and am fully planning on enjoying every moment with my family. As much as I treasure the holiday season, this specific week stings my heart. You see, it was this week almost four years ago that a major event happened in my life that changed my life. I remember every detail as if it were yesterday.
Sitting in the doctors office…
Seeing her mouth move and hearing the words.
The tears fell.
My heart felt like it stopped beating.
The breath continued to pump through my lungs, but I’m not entirely sure how.
In that moment, I felt as if my world came to a complete stand still.
“Your body is not whole”
That is all I heard.
The doctor explained the details and I wept.
In the months that followed I went through professional counseling, pushed those closest to me away and would burst into tears at the drop of the hat.
What was the reason for this extreme outburst based off one event?
A hope deferred.
I had allowed good desires that the Lord has placed upon my heart to become ultimate without even realizing it. To be honest, I don’t think I would have ever known that I had made those longings of my heart to become an idol until they were stripped away.
One day, I will write about the events of that day without being vague.
One day, I will share these details of my life.
Slowly, my Father is opening up doors to allow the hurt that my heart has been through to help heal and encourage others in their walk with Him.
Beloved, words cannot even begin to express how much healing the Lord has done in my heart, and most days, I am able to think and talk about that day without getting upset. Sometimes, like this week, the heartbreak and the memories rush back like a flood.
My flesh wants to sit around feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that my body isn’t made how God intended it to be. Sorry that my future plans have changed. Sorry that I will have to search even harder for a man who is willing to love me even though parts of me aren’t as God originally designed. Sorry that I had to go through a traumatic event. The list could go on and on.
Dear One, even though my flesh says, “dwell on yourself, your hurt and your pain”, my Savior has beautifully redeemed me from that! During that period of my time, the Lord kept me close to Himself! Even though my heart broke and I was suffering a loss, I experienced my Father like never before. We shared a close intimacy that cannot be matched by any other experience, person or desire on this earth. While there are times that I wonder why the Lord choose the path He did for me, I do not wish that He would change the way things are.
My hope is firmly rooted in Him.
It hasn’t always been that way, but the Lord has shown me grace upon grace. He has held me while I’ve wept, tenderly whispered words of healing to me, and taught me that there is truly nothing on this earth that can satisfy.
Beloved, my heart is heavy as I write these words for the natural fact that a scar remains. I have allowed the Lord to heal me and I despertly want to encourage you to press into your Father no matter what circumstances you are facing!
Hand all your burdens to the One who can perfectly bear them!