I cried recently.
The reason for my tears was because my heart was deeply longing for a more intimate relationship with my Savior. Honestly, tears aren’t a luxury I’ve allowed myself in a very long time. I’ve somehow convinced myself that I must be strong on my own strength, and that tears are a sign of weakness. I was skimming through my prayer journal the other day and came upon an entry, and as I read the words that my heart had cried out to my Father, I was brought to a place of humility. You see, I had written the prayer at a time in my life where I felt like everything was falling apart and was crashing down around me. I read my prayer several times, and then decided to read it aloud. That’s when I started crying. But I think they were tears of healing.
O my God, I cry out to you right now. I feel like my world came crashing down around me. You are indeed sovereign over me. I need You God! My heart cannot beat without your strength, my lungs cannot be filled with breath apart from You. You are all I have! Father, my heart and soul are crushed right now. I am hurting so very much. God, please hold me. Wrap your big loving arms around me. Hold my heart, count my tears, take notice of my signings. I need You to just be with me. Please surround me with yourself. I need your strength like never before. O God, I cry out to you. I don’t know where to turn and I don’t want to turn anywhere else but to you. What sweetness that prayer contained.
I long to be back at that place where I am truly relying on God to be my everything. I can clearly remember the circumstances under which I penned those words to my Father. My heart was raw and emotional; it honestly felt like it had just been ripped out of my chest. I’ve alluded in my other writings about an immense trial that I suffered through a year ago. Well, that’s when that prayer was released from my soul. At the time, God literally was the One who’s strength got me through a day, when I didn’t want to get up in the morning, or see anyone, much less talk with people or pretend that I was okay. Since that time, I have healed quite a lot, I still don’t feel like I am whole, but God promises that everything will be redeemed. It may not be until I reach heaven but God has been so incredibly faithful and held me through everything I’ve been through. To be completely transparent, since I feel like I’m coming out on the other side of the trial, I feel like I’ve lost some of that intimacy. I’m no longer relying on God as heavily to fulfill all I need. Now that the circumstances of life are turning up, I have lost some of the intimacy. I believe that tears were a proper reaction to this realization because I am currently broken over my relationship with God. I want to come again to the place where I can declare, “Apart from You, I cannot go on living.”
I’d love to share some verses that I’ve been meditating on lately. They have been my testimony over the past few months.
“I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, And their faces shall never be ashamed.” Psalm 34:4-5
Isn’t God’s word absolutely gorgeous?! How simple, yet complex those verses are. My heart is crying out to God right now, I am seeking Him with every fiber of my being. The beautiful thing is, as I am seeking my Beloved, He is satisfying and fulfilling all that I need. I want to live in the last part of those verses, “Those who look to him are radiant.” It is one of my deepest hopes and prayers that when people look at me that never just see Chelsea Patterson. Oh what a wasted life that would be! When the world looks at me, I so strongly desire that they see Jesus Christ living in and through me. May my face literally shine because of the joy inside of me. May the world, when they observe my life be stopped in their path because of Christ in me. Oh may my life glorify my Beloved Savior and King.