A divided heart…

My heart is full of emotion right now. Half of my heart feels like breaking and falling apart and just sobbing until there are no more tears left in my body because quite honestly, my heart is in pain right now. But the other half of my heart is filled with an unexplainable joy. Two differing emotions, but both very powerful. Please allow me to explain. Yes, my soul is experiencing distress right now, but through my pain, I have a reason to hope. Why can I look up through my tears and declare that I will continue to hope, even when I don’t see the reason of my sorrow? Because of one reason, and one reason only. I have a God who knows me intimately and loves me more than I can ever imagine. I have been adopted into His kingdom, and the same God who sent His precious Son to die on the cross in my place, now addresses me as His beloved daughter and takes great delight in me. The very fact that God knows me is so powerful and beautiful.

I strongly believe that all of us have a deep desire to be known. This is a good desire, but it has the potential to play itself out in some very self-destructive ways. For example, some of us will only open ourselves up to a certain extend; once someone gets too close, we shut ourselves off and become like stone. We believe that once someone knows all of us, they will run as fast as they can in the other direction and never choose to come near us again. Or others of us will jump from person to person, spilling our entire soul to anyone that will listen, trying so hard to be accepted. Why do we do this to ourselves? Committing a kind of emotional suicide, when the King of the Universe intimately and passionately knows us to the very core of our being. I must confess, I have been both of the people that I described, trying to be known by a person but also hiding (sometimes quite successfully) from people. When I began to allow my Beloved into my life and heart, and gave Him literally all of me, something changed. I no longer ran around trying to fulfill a desire in my soul. Why should I when I am already known better than any human ever could?

A lot of the pain that my heart has been through, I have not shared with many people. Not because I haven’t wanted too, but for two reasons. First of all, I do not feel like it’s something that should be shared with every casual acquaintance I know. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a select few that I have chosen to tell, but I have used great discretion. And the second reason is because I the King of the Universe has promised that He’s already holding and treasuring my heart.

“The more we bare our souls to God, the safer we’ll feel with Him and the closer we’ll draw to Him.” -Beth Moore

Oh what a beautiful thing to be able to grow closer and closer into intimacy with God the more I pour myself out before Him. As I’ve grown in my relationship with God, my heart has gained an inexpressible joy. The love relationship that I have with my Savior is the reason that I can hope through tears. Just as a man loves, cherishes, and adores his bride, and would do literally anything to protect her heart, God watches after me the same exact way. He calls me His beloved one, He tells me that singing over me, and takes great delight in me. How can I not continue to give God all of me?

You are our healer
And you know what’s broken
And we’re not a mystery to you

These lyrics are taken from the song “Mended” by Watermark. It is a gorgeous song, filled with acoustic guitar and profound lyrics. These three lines are my favorite though, because they declare His intimacy form me. He heals me! He knows every party of my body, my heart and my soul, and He heals everything that’s broken. Even when no one else knows what’s broken, He’s already in the process of healing. He doesn’t always promise it will happen on this side of eternity, but He will give of Himself, and take our weary and downtrodden hearts and set them on a rock. He promises to be our strength, even when we feel like everything else will fail, He will be there!

I leave you with a challenge from Beth Moore. Dear reader, please know that I have prayed over these words as I’ve typed them. You have already been prayed over, I have asked God to reveal more of Himself through my writing. Run to your King. He knows you, He loves you and He wants you!

 

“Let us put God between ourselves and the disasters which threaten us. Let us cast the whole responsibility upon Him. Has He not thus brought us into difficulties, that He may have an opportunity of strengthening us by faith, by giving some unexampled proof of His power? Wait only on the Lord, trust also in Him…He will provide.”

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3 thoughts on “A divided heart…

  1. Chelsea,

    First of all, excellent post. I like it.

    At my church, the pastor has started a series on David. He’s basically challenged us to think about what’s king in our lives. I’ve also done both of those things you’ve described. I’ve been completely closed about my struggles to some people out of fear even though I needed the support and comfort, and then with others I’ve been too open only to gain pity. What I’ve realized over the past couple of years is that I had been selfish. I either don’t want to mar my reputation and feel lonely, or I’m trying to find quick and easy solutions to loneliness while risking my reputation. Anyway, as you have said, the only solution I have found is to lean on God’s grace (Christ) and put the Gospel into practice in my life. Selflessness is key. I should have the humility to open up when it’s needed and the grace to love others when I feel they don’t love me as I think they should.

    And I like your quote by Beth Moore. When we can’t go on anymore, but somehow we do, we know that it’s nothing short of a miracle.

    2 Cor. 12:9, But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

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